Cray: Vivire

[T_RD Ellino]

Are you telling me it was going so fast it grated stuff around it?

[Raien D. End]

That was so epic!(if you can imagine it)
Nice story bro...hope you can make it more epic.

[Jai Hearts]

That was so epic!(if you can imagine it)
Nice story bro...hope you can make it more epic.

i will try.

but sadly one august begins i wont almost any free time to finish cray vivire.

[Jai Hearts]

Chapter 11

Spoiler

We reopen where we left off with Vidi preparing and extra crispy Jai.

Vidi watches the black flames with with no emotion in his eyes.

Vidi: One down.

Jai jumps out of the fire in the form of Radiant Empress of The Saber, Arthuria.

As Jai launches at him Vidi takes the form of Cursed Spear Revenger, Diarmuid.

Jai crashes into Vidi as both fall from the sky, screaming as they plunge.

Female: Captain it appears both Jai and that fighter are falling to there deaths.

Kuri: hmmm. Why is that dragon still out there ?

We see the Revenger, Desperate Dragon flying in the air as the unicorn falls to the ground.

Kuri: If its vanguard isn't close to him. Isn't it suppose to vanish ?

The dragon flies straight for the ship.

Kuri: All hands go to red alert !!! Jaden, can you get the unicorn for me.

Jaden: Captain I think it would be best if i go ahead and engage the enemy myself.

Kuri: How ? You don't have any unit with flight strong enough to take him on.

Jaden: O yee of little fate.

Jaden pulls out a card and shows it to Kuri.

Jaden: A little gift from out old pal Hunter.

The Galaxy and the Banshee continue there mid air battle as it destroys more of the Galaxy's funnels.

Raijin: O crap.

The Banshee quickly closes in on the Galaxy, pointing its gun at the cockpit.

Raijin: NOOOOOO!!!

The camera zooms into Raijins eyes as what appears to be a seed falling to the ground is shown.

The seed explodes in a flash of light as the camera zooms out to show a clear eyed Raijin.

The Galaxy grabs the Banshee's gun and moves it away just when it fires.

The two remaining funnels crash into the Banshee's wings forcing it to fall to the ground.
 
Back at the ship Revenger, Desperate Dragon closes in on the ship.

We see Maya by herself in the missile room.

Jaden: This is gonna be epic.

Maya: You're crazy.

Jaden: I think the word you are looking for is awesome.

Male: Target in range.

Kuri: On my mark...FIRE IDIOT MISSILE!!!

Jaden is fired like a missile at Desperate Dragon.

Jaden: Looks like this is THE END!!!!

Jaden takes the form of Dragonic Overlord The End stabbing Desperate in both its wings.

It fires flames into Jaden's face, but Jaden slices it's right wing off and shoots at it missing its head as Desperate falls to the ground.

Vidi is seen limping on the ground as he walks to where a fallen Jai lies unconscious.
 
He raises his lance as he prepares to end Jai.

Vidi: Die like trash.

Vidi parry's, but Jai quicly changes form and putts a gun to Vidi's face.

Jai: Radiant Adventurer, Shanks. Only knight that's also a pirate and one of few to carry a gun.

Jai shoots Vidi in the face as he backs off leaving one of his lance's behind.

Vidi: I admit, that was a good move turning into a swifter form. But alas it was a weaker form.

We see Jai has retaken his previous form.

Jai: We then let's finish this. GANGULAAAAA!!!!

Vidi: AHHHHH!!!

Both Charges at one another at fool force.

Just as both where about to reach each other a huge explosion occurs, causing an earthquake.

Jai: What the heck ?!!!

Vidi: Could this be a special event ?!!

The mountain close to the area erupts as a giant floating machine emerges from it.

Inside we see the cyber woman piloting it.

CW: Targets located.

To Be Concluded.

 

next issue is the last one where vol 2 will end and vol 3 will begin allong with the return of .5 chapters.

leave a feed.

[ShackledAlice]

You asked for a feedback, so here it is .-.

I'll admit, I haven't read through. Certain things are preventing me. For one, it's general randomness and silliness seems more like a parody than anything else, which puts me off. The script-like functionality also hinders my view on your work - It creates a lack of atmosphere. You don't get to notice the subtle gestures that you otherwise would.

But when you DO put them in, it's in a separate line! Sure, it makes it easier to read for some, but it hurts my eyes. My brain connects the idea of spaces with separate entries - entries that are barely a sentence long. See below.

Chapter 11

Spoiler

We see Jai has retaken his previous form.
[unneeded space]
Jai: We then let's finish this. GANGULAAAAA!!!!
[unneeded space]
Vidi: AHHHHH!!!
[unneeded space]
Both Charges at one another at fool force.
[unneeded space]
 

Which brings me to another point. You've recognized this flaw, so that's good, I guess. Spelling and grammar. Even the first sentence has the bare minimum of grammatical functions.

We reopen where we left off with Vidi preparing and extra crispy Jai.

There's capitalization, and a full stop. No comma to signify an idea change ([...]where we left off (COMMA) with[...]), and it's an*, not and.

Again, this is more of a nitpicking thing. It just hurts my eyes to see this. The only feedback I can offer you is to clean it up, or maybe get a proofreader.

[Jai Hearts]

Chapter 12

Spoiler

How did it come to this ?

My creation, my game, my fault.

We see a giant machine floating in the air, metal testicles extends from its body body.

Kuri: What is that thing ?

GM : A cradle ?

Sandra: Well this looks interesting.

We see Sandra surrounded by butlers wearing masks.

Both Jai and Vidi stare at the floating object with astonishment, which does not last.

Vidi tries to parry at Jai with has lance, only to be blocked as both men clash with steel in hand.

Jai: Are you mad ? Look at that thing.

Vidi:...not my problem.

We see the Game Master staring at a screen showing the cradle.

Back at the ship we see Kuri and the crew staring at the cradle as hit slowly floats towards them.

Jaden: Jaden is back baby and i feel so good- what is that ?

Kuri: Never seen anything like it before.

CW: Target locked.

The cradle charges a huge beam.

Kuri: Evade !!!

The Ship Narrowly evades a large beam that creates a giant hole inside a mountain.

Kuri: Jaden and everyone else that can pilot a suit or fly in the sky ENGAGE THE ENEMY !!!

Jaden: Roger dodger.

Kuri: I hope Zara hurry's.

Raijin is seen in the hanger getting out of his machine as the pit crew comes to assist.

Raijin: What's happening ?

Man: We're under attack again.

Man#2: Here.

The second man hands Raijin a walky-talky.

Kuri: Raijin, have you brought it back.

Raijin: Yea...

We zoom out to see the banshee is being worked on in the hanger.

Raijin:...I brought it.

Back on the ground we see Jai and Vidi still in combat.

GM: ENOUGH !!!

The Game Master suddenly appears around every area there is at least one person.

GM: To all fighters still in the game, I order all of you to sees all combat and listen.

A picture of the cradle appears in the air.

GM: This is your target. If this thing is defeated, everyone who survives after its defeat will move on to the next round.

Kuri: Now there's a next round ?

GM: That is all.

The Game Master looks at both Jai and Vidi.

GM: You two have strong spirits.

Jai: You're talking to us ?

GM: No I'm talking to the tree's. Now how would one of you like to get some cool powers ?

Vidi: What's really happening ?

GM: What do you mean ?

Jai: He's right. Why would you stop everyone from fighting in order to take down one boss.

GM: You guys really want to know the truth ? Fine.

As many of the ships crew fly towards the cradle lead by Jaden, it releases many machine people.

GM: Up there, thats called the cradle, it's a flying factory that makes machines. We have to stop it before it infects more of the arena program.

As many for the crew engage the machines many fall before them.

Raijin: This is insane.

We see the Galaxy and the Banshee standing side by side as the machines begin to close in.

A beam comes from out of nowhere hitting some of them, the shooter is revealed to be the unicorn piloted by Zara.

Zara: There's too much.

The Unicorn's cockpit door is rip's off by a cyber golem.

Just as the golem prepares to fire at Zara, a missile hits it.

Lance: Fire second shot.

The dragon fire's another shot in the sky. Many people and creatures appear to battle the machines.

The cradle charges another, while many machines hold many people hostage.

The can only watch are the cradle prepares its shot.

Two stripes, one black, one red are seen zipping threw the sky, destroying many of the machines holding the people.

GM: now which one of you should get the power ?

Vidi: Easy i should.

We see Vidi in a black armor with wings slashing many machines.

GM: No objection ?

Jai: We don't have time, after what you told us. My friends are in danger. So give him the powers.

We see a red streak zip threw the sky.

Raijin: This feeling, its's...

GM: Well it thats how you feel. Then i will give both of you powers the are equal to mods for the duration of this game.

Jai:Majestic Jai time!!!

Jai in a similar to Vidi colored red with gold accents fly's to the ship, destroying many of the mines on it.

Raijin:...my bro.

Kuri: So much power.

Jaden: (Is he a mod now ?)

The cradle fire's in the path of Jai and the ship, which is full of cyber men on it.

Jai: Nutz!!!

Kuri: No good where to heavy !!!

Many in the path of the beam are it untill it hits the Galaxy and banshee who both stopped the beam.

Both Machines emit a green light as both pilots helmet's eye guards shatter.

The pilot of the banshee removes her's to reveal a girl piloting the machine.

Raijin: Kuri...Jai.

Both Kuri and Jai reacts as they hear Raijin's voice in there heads.

Raijin: Fight on.

The Galaxy Explodes in the air as the beam halt's.

Jai: Raiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!

Kuri: Raijin.

Vidi: Jai Hearts, we don't have time to stop.

Jai: Let's to this Vidi, this fight isnt just the two of us.

Many others fire at the cradle as it need to recharge.

Both Jai and Vidi charges at the cradle's main cannon destroying it.

We see both in the cradle fighting off many machines and move forward.

They reach the room with a huge glass filled with light.

Vidi: That must be the main power source.

The cyber women tries to attack Vidi, but she is no mach for him. Vidi quickly stabs her in the chest.

CW:Thank... you.

Jai stands in-front of the light and prepares to strike it. His mind flashes back to all his adventures in the second volume.

Jai: Finally.

Jai Leaps at the light smashing the glass, the screen fades to black.

I thought it was all some kind of joke at first, never believing that this could possibly happen to me.

I should have known better.

The Game Master sits infont of a screen with a list of names and photo's of many people, among them Raijin.

GM: This is all my fault. And I am gonna fix it.

END OF VOLUME 2

 

Next up volume 3 starting with chapter 12.5 the origin of arena.

leave some feedback.

[Jai Hearts]

You asked for a feedback, so here it is .-.

I'll admit, I haven't read through. Certain things are preventing me. For one, it's general randomness and silliness seems more like a parody than anything else, which puts me off. The script-like functionality also hinders my view on your work - It creates a lack of atmosphere. You don't get to notice the subtle gestures that you otherwise would.

But when you DO put them in, it's in a separate line! Sure, it makes it easier to read for some, but it hurts my eyes. My brain connects the idea of spaces with separate entries - entries that are barely a sentence long. See below.

Chapter 11

Spoiler

We see Jai has retaken his previous form.
[unneeded space]
Jai: We then let's finish this. GANGULAAAAA!!!!
[unneeded space]
Vidi: AHHHHH!!!
[unneeded space]
Both Charges at one another at fool force.
[unneeded space]
 

Which brings me to another point. You've recognized this flaw, so that's good, I guess. Spelling and grammar. Even the first sentence has the bare minimum of grammatical functions.

We reopen where we left off with Vidi preparing and extra crispy Jai.

There's capitalization, and a full stop. No comma to signify an idea change ([...]where we left off (COMMA) with[...]), and it's an*, not and.

Again, this is more of a nitpicking thing. It just hurts my eyes to see this. The only feedback I can offer you is to clean it up, or maybe get a proofreader.

thanks for your feedback.

while i dont agree with you on the extra space i am the opposite of what you feel, where are words croped up on one another on a pc hurts my brain like something fierce.

parody ? might as well call it that.

and as for the capitalization, and a full stop. they already know what happened in the last chapter so there is no need to revisit the whole event in my book.

but thank you for your feedback and i will take them into consideration.

[Jai Hearts]

cray vivire will return sooner then thought.

[LaFlaga(Nick)]

The idea is cheasy, childish and forced together, still, it's better than Twilight I guess...

But on a serious note, the layout and the way it's done is more like a mock script rather than fan service/book, I think you need to be a hell of a lot more descriptive than you are instead of leaving everything up to the readers imagination, this has been a problem since the first post, where on number 12 and instantly back to the save stuff, same errors and little effort into descriptive writing.

We see a giant machine floating in the air, metal testicles extends from its body body.  <- Body body?

Kuri:"What is that thing ?" - How did Kuri feel, how did she say it, where is the emotion? Is she happy, surprised, scared excited? what is going through Kuris head?

Kuri:"What is that thing ?" Said Kuri in awe as the giant mechanical entity drew closer - see, little effort but sounds much better

GM : A cradle ? - who is he talking to, what is he doing and again! how did he respond, no descriptive...anything, the character is showing nothing

"GM : A cradle ?" GM responded, snapping is head to the character that Marik forgot, fear started to build up in every cell is his body as the entities

Sandra: Well this looks interesting.\\\\\
----------------------------------------------------------------->pretty much said it all above
Sandra: Well this looks interesting.////

The idea isnt terrible, the implementation is.

[LaFlaga(Nick)]

Those shit description I gave where written inbetween calla at work, what's stopping you?